I can’t wait. That’s right. I. Can’t. Wait. Wait for what you ask? Doesn’t matter. If you’re like me, you can’t wait for stuff either. Maybe it’s something important, maybe not. Maybe you are waiting for a bunch of different things, all at different times. The best (and worst) stuff to wait for is the fun stuff though. The stuff you mark off on the calendar, the stuff you eagerly discuss and debate with your best friend (they can’t wait either), the stuff you eagerly discuss with that guy you kind of know at the gym (they can wait…. they really don’t want to discuss it with you…. actually what’s that guy’s name again?). Anyway, how do you deal with the anticipation when That Stuff you have been waiting for is still months away? Let me help you with that. *
Step 1: Pick Something to Anticipate
Let’s start with something purely hypothetical that in no way is happening in my own real life right now, something like Star Wars Episode VIII: The Last Jedi. There are a lot of people excited for this, so if I was too outside of this hypothetical it wouldn’t be weird at all. It’s not like I’m discussing it in a podcast. Moving on. So, you’re excited for Ep 8 like a normal human being and you have discovered that it comes out December 15, 2017. Great that’s almost 10 months. That definitely won’t drive you insane with anticipation because it can barely be farther away. Now you can put that date on the calendar. After a day or two you might make it an event on your phone. Maybe it has monthly reminders, who’s to say? The point is now you know what you’re anticipating and how long you will be waiting.
Step 2: Obsess About This a Bit
Ok so how do you pass the time for the next 10 months? Try obsessing a bit. There are so many different ways to obsess about it, and I will make sure to elaborate on some of the more entertaining ways a little further down, but the most important thing is that you spend most of your free time thinking about all the possibilities. Stuff like work, friends, family, bills, they all go by the wayside when something as important as a new movie is on the horizon. Make sure you put all that noise in the background and devote as much time to thinking about Star Wars as possible.
Step 3: Find a Friend to Obsess With
Now that you have established a timeline and obsessed about Ep 8, find someone like a friend or a family member who also might be obsessed with Star Wars. If you don’t have one, go make a friend who is obsessed with Star Wars you loser. No, it’s fine I’ll wait while you do that part, I have nothing better to do… Ok so now that you finally have a friend, take every opportunity to discuss Ep 8 with them. Make sure to chat regularly via phone, text, Morse Code, smoke signals, whatever mode of communication the two of you normally use. Don’t be obnoxious, but feel free to interrupt their daily lives if a particularly good thought comes to mind. Go nuts with WILD SPECULATION™ at any and all opportunities. Your friend is obsessed too, right? They will do the same. If not, find a better friend already.
Step 4: Find New Material to Fuel Your Obsession
Once you have discussed and retread ground on all the Ep 8 material you have, go find new information to over-analyze. Is there a new trailer out later this week? Perfect. While you keep refreshing your Twitter feed to see when the trailer drops, look at news articles to see if there are new interviews or press releases that share literally the smallest crumb of new information that doesn’t actually change anything (curse you JJ and your Mystery Box). You would be surprised how much mileage you can get out of that. Once you run out of new facts, just dive right down the rabbit hole that is message board discussions and YouTube fan video speculation. Sure, you thought you were the master of WILD SPECULATION™, but no you are a mere Padawan in this field, and the ungodly number of hours of fan videos are not to be underestimated. On second thought, this is a terrible idea. Don’t watch these, most of the theories you find online are entirely ridiculous.
Step 5: Obsess Some More
This may seem like a rehash, but it’s not! Remember you have so many more months to go until Ep 8 arrives. Since you are now armed with some new material gathered in Step 4, really go to town on it. I know you might start to attract weird looks, alienate people, etc., but if the people in your life think this behavior is odd, well they just don’t get it. Besides, the latest Josh Gad video just came out……
Step 6: Try Not to Piss Off That Friend from Step 3
Man, that video with Dame Judi Dench was good, even if she didn’t get Daisy Ridley to spill the beans. You should send it to your friend. He/she would find that just as interesting as you did. They’re just as obsessed as you, right? Right? Of course they are. How could they not be, they must be, the fact that they haven’t returned your calls is purely coincidental….. maybe you might have to make a new friend. It’s a good thing you only need to wait a few more months until Ep 8 is out.
Step 7: OBSESS
Really, it’s all you have left at this point. Just make sure you stop short of tattooing the calendar to your forearm. We both know you’re going to be back here eventually, and tattoos are expensive.
Step 8: The Premiere
You survived! The countless hours (seriously don’t think about how much time you spent) are over waiting for December and it’s time to go see Star Wars. It’s been an arduous journey, rife with burnt bridges, astronomical psychiatry bills, and a lot less friends than you started out with. All of that can be dealt with later though. It was all worth it for the twoish hours you’ll spend in the theater finally watching Ep 8. At least that’s what you will tell yourself. Just get ready to go through this all over again the next time something catches your eye!
*Alessandro is not a licensed…. Well anything actually. Follow these instructions at your own risk.