Hey there, let’s talk about beer. More importantly, let’s talk about good beer. It doesn’t matter that the best-selling beers are all shit, because the first, second, third, millionth, etc. rules of beer are we don’t talk about those beers (or at least those should be the rules). I’m going to define good beer as beer you would actually want to drink; I won’t get bogged down in distinctions between what is considered craft and what is not, mostly because I’m too lazy to clearly delineate and I’m having fun with this as is. Anyway, I love beer and a lot of people ask me about which ones are good as if I’m some sort of expert in the field, which I am clearly not (beer related podcast and home brewing résumé be damned). So I want to walk you through a foolproof process to selecting a delicious beer. *
Step 1: What is Your Drinking Mood?
First, what sort of drinking are you planning on doing? If you’re looking to drink a few delicious beers, you may want to pick something that’s light and sessionable (and get used to words like this). A hearty imperial stout may be “better” but you may not be able to drink 6 of those in a row. If you just want to drink one or two, or if you are looking to pair it with a specific food, there are many more options open to you amongst the pantheon of beers. The point is, make a plan according to what sort of mood you will be in, because if you flippantly buy a 6 pack of DIPA that has 10% ABV, but you weren’t planning on getting accidentally drunk, don’t be surprised if you end up making questionable decisions.
Step 2: Identify the Drinking Atmosphere
Let’s consider where, when, and with who you will be drinking with. Is everyone there drinking Bud Light? This process doesn’t work for you today. Are you drinking alone? That’s cool. Do you have a classy group of friends to drink with? Perfect. Will you be engaging in outdoor drinking that leads to general fuckery?
Not so much. The point is, if you want to drink a delicious beer you have to be aware of your surroundings, because a 12 hour day drink consisting of only craft beer might result in harsh judgement from your peers, as well as blowing your monthly beer budget.
Step 3: Beer Logistics
While we are not exactly planning a ground war halfway across the globe, there are some logistical concerns that you should make sure to attend to when buying a delicious beer. You want to make sure to consider all the pertinent details and circumstances around your enjoyment of the beer. You should consider what an acceptable price is for the day’s purchase. If you will be drinking it in a private residence or at an event, will it be better in a bottle or can? The volume of beer you plan to consume is important. There are some final details to address, like the temperature, season, time of day, setting (indoors or outdoors), whether the Moon is in the seventh house, or if Jupiter is aligned with Mars.
Step 4: Choose Your Beer
I can’t actually tell you what beer to choose. There are just too many options, too many situations, and I have better things to do. Seriously, you’re not a child, I’m not holding your hand through this. It’s 2017 and you have a smart phone, you can access Beer Advocate or Untappd or Rate Beerto help you wade through the thousands of beers out there. Maybe we’ll do a post on our favorite beers sometime when we’re bored, here on the Spinchoon, but other than that I can just help get you in the right mindset. Go wild and try something new.
Step 5: Drink Your Beer
If you have made it this far, then you didn’t take that last paragraph to heart, and you (hopefully) are ready to drink a kick ass beer. Do it, and let me know how it is. Not trying to drink any bad beers up in here.
*If you use this process and end up buying domestic swill like Budweiser I will personally come find you and beat you with the empties