30,000 miles in the air, an awkward connection that started with a stare.
If you’re looking for a story of sexual conquest up above the clouds, then go look elsewhere. This is not that mile high club, this is the mile high club of AWKWARDNESS. Also, big thank you to Al for this amazing title
Everyone prepares for their flights differently. Me, I load up my iPad with movies. I just put movies that I would want to watch and do not think about anything else. Don’t worry, I will go somewhere with that soon.
My iPad is ready and so am I, so off to the airport I go. Park the car and head in wondering how terrible my TSA experience will be today. My license picture is nowhere near updated. For a lack of better words, in my license picture I look like a thug and in real life I look like a nerd, this usually upsets the TSA. Prompting them to ask for more forms of ID which upsets me, like ok Captain America here you go. Or they don’t say anything which also upsets me. We live in a scary world and I look nothing like the person in this picture and you’re just going to let me go? Scary ass shit.
Passed the first part, on to the second. The screening. A few words of advice, if you say anything to the TSA agent standing at the other side of the metal detector that isn’t “how are you” or simply “hello” then the words they are going to give you are “you have been selected for random screening”. Anything you say to them that you think is witty or funny, they have either heard or won’t find funny and now they get to feel you up. What a life.
As if this trip wasn’t already shaping up to be miserable, I now get to fly Southwest! YAY! I LOVE SOUTHWEST! BEST AIRLINE EVER! When reading it’s tough to tell tone, reread that with EXTREME sarcasm. Got it? Good. So back to the story. Southwest is a piece if shit in so many ways, but a savior this trip since they were the only airline in budget with a direct flight. As most of you probably know, Southwest does not have assigned seats. They board you by a group number and you pick any open seat. I of course did not have a number to board early, so I knew I was destined to be in hell and stuck in a middle seat. As suspected, I board and see all the aisle and window seats taken. I start to scope out the skinny people to pick out a good middle seat but this flight was going to Texas, and well, everything is bigger in Texas. Even the people. There was no middle seat that would make a comfortable 4-hour trip. I just gave up and chose my doom in between a middle aged man that was slightly larger than what you would call a husky build, and a feeble old woman that was either already sleeping or possibly dead.
I fight a little for my elbow room but the man next to me won that battle just by his size. He was encroaching on my space and it wasn’t by choice. That’s when I found out the feeble woman wasn’t dead! I tried to wiggle away from this man and bumped into her, causing her to give me a death stare that could have taken down anyone. I apologized but the look continued. It was at this moment I said this husky guy is my new best friend and I just accepted that we were going to share a seat for this flight.
We take off and I start to dive back into the world of The Last Action Hero. A stellar movie that I started before boarding, so I didn’t have much left to watch. I noticed the guy next to me kept looking at my screen. It didn’t bother me…. At first. I felt like I should have just offered him one of my ear buds he was staring so intently. I tried to reposition myself to turn the screen away from him BUT I came close to bumping that granny next to me and stopped myself just in time and said “fuck it” this guy can watch.
Remember I told you I don’t even think, that I just put movies on? Told you I would come back to that. I personally love terrible horror movies. Straight to DVD or major theatrical release, if it’s a horror movie it’s probably terrible and I probably love it. I can make a list on how many obscure horror movies I love but that’s a list for another day. Today I was watching the movie Wrong Turn 4: Bloody Beginnings. The first Wrong Turn movie was an actual movie. The lead was played by Eliza Dushku (Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Bring it on) and had a theatrical release. Following this film, there were five sequels that went straight to video, and they are terrible, but guess what? I love them. Quick summary of pretty much all six movies, a group of people are stuck in the woods of West Virginia and are hunted by mountain men that are disfigured due to generations of in-breeding.
The movie starts and immediately jumps right into an extreme gore extravaganza. I immediately remembered that this man was watching my iPad during my last movie and was hoping he didn’t continue to watch after I started this movie. Of course he was watching. I tried so hard to look over at him without turning my head so I didn’t make it obvious that I was curious if he was watching. Somehow this man watching MY iPad made me feel uncomfortable and that I can’t judge him for watching MY iPad, weird feeling.
Immediately following this bloodbath was an extremely graphic sex scene. Not only was it a super graphic sex scene, there were two of them going on at once and the other one was a girl on girl scene. I immediately felt shame and embarrassment wash over me knowing that this man was watching this and judging me. That’s when I had this bright idea to enter what I’m considering to be my own mile high club. I took a deep breath and went for it. This man was going to join me in the shame. I turned my head and just looked directly at this man. It took him a few seconds to realize. From his peripheral view, he most likely assumed I was looking out the window, not looking directly at him. When he noticed I wasn’t looking out the window, and that I was looking right at him he looked away from my iPad screen and right at me too. We locked eyes and now I’m not alone in this super awkward moment. We both are staring at each other while an intense dual sex scene is going on right in front of us. So now the awkward moment is shared. Neither of us spoke a word. We just stared. We were staring eye to eye for what felt like was long enough to be the entire flight, but it was only a few seconds. When the sex scene was over, I didn’t look away I just kept staring. I was not going to lose this battle of the awkward. Finally, he had enough and turned and looked out the window. The rest of this flight I watched my dirty, terrible movie in peace.
To make this even better, or worse depending on how you take it, when we landed, we got off the plane and he was walking behind me. I turned around and we locked eyes again. I slowed down my walking speed, and he seemed to have sped up and passed me. I followed him all the way to the rental car facility while staring at him. He periodically turned around to see if I was still staring, and oh yes, I was. When we got to the rental car facility I finally lost him. All that’s left of the day was the terrible airport experience and this story.