I love going to the movies. Its probably my favorite pastime. I have had a connection with the art form since I was a kid. I would scour the Sunday paper for the entertainment section, analyze the ratings, and read the reviews each weekend. I remember the thrill of looking up the times for our local theaters to see if the flick I wanted to see would be playing that week. I remember the weekdays, waiting, seemingly for hours, as the voice on the other end of the line at the theater went through each movie and each time. If you have been following us here at The Spinchoon or on our Flix and a Six Podcast, this shouldn’t be a surprise. In this article, we are going to call out the spinchoons that are on a mission to ruin the experience for those of us that hold it sacred.
I enjoy popcorn as much as the next moviegoer, maybe even more! It’s a crispy, salty, delicious treat to snack on while you watch your flick (or more likely finish before said flick even starts). Do you know what makes popcorn disgusting? Hearing the person next to you audibly chewing it like a slob. What’s worse, hearing the person 3 rows away chewing it. HOW?! HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW YOU ARE DISGUSTING? I can only assume that this poor human being is an orphan. That is the only explanation as to why he/she was never taught to keep his/her mouth closed when chewing. I guess you win some and you lose some. Sometimes an orphan becomes Batman, other times…. mouth noise. Aural terrorists! THE LOT OF YOU!
I understand wanting to say something to your friend during a movie. Maybe a relatable inside joke or quip related to a comedic scene that will enhance the humor. However, if I’m not your friend, I don’t give a rat’s ass what you have to say. It’s not interesting, you’re not interesting. Learn to whisper, because right now everyone else in the theater hates you.
This snapper is not the leader of a doo-wop group. If that person was in the theater it would get annoying quick, but it would be a unique story to tell. I digress. The snapper is a person who snaps his/her gum. Let me be clear, this isn’t exclusive to the movie theater. Snapping your gum in a public setting is NEVER ok, it wasn’t ok when you were 9, it’s not ok now. It is one step better than that scratchy crackling noise some heathens make. However, it still puts you on the same level as the aforementioned muncher and that’s about as low as you can get (except for the gum crackler, seriously, gross).
The Midnight Society Inductee
You remember in “Are You Afraid of the Dark?” how the Midnight Society would hold the flashlight to their faces when they tell their stories? If you take your phone out in a movie theater that is what you look like. If you are in a dark room, and someone shines a light, everyone else in the room sees it. If that dark room is a theater, everyone else in the room hates you. Even if your phone is on the lowest setting, even if you try to cover most of the screen, even if you put your phone under your jacket or shirt, you and your phone are unbearable. The Spinchoon’s very own Alessandro is guilty of this. Even our friends don’t get a pass with this one. Shame on you Al, shame on you*. THIS IS A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: Don’t let your friends drink and drive, don’t let your friends text and drive, don’t let your friends go to the movies and take out their phones. Two of the actions on that list will get your friend killed; one will get them murdered.
This is just a short list of the spinchoons that will ruin your movie going experience. If you conduct any of the activities above and you haven’t been called out, it doesn’t mean that you are exempt, you are still an ass clown. If someone has called you out and you pushed back, you should be excommunicated…. from the planet.
*I’m sorry Al, it had to be said. I just don’t want anyone murdering my movie buddy, more importantly I don’t want to murder my movie buddy.